Ever since I became a sophomore, I haven't been able to help feeling extremely lonely from time to time. Whenever I go to class or eat alone in my room, I feel like the loneliest person in the world. I know it might sound like I am making a big deal out of nothing, but that is truly how I feel. This inevitable loneliness has affected me both emotionally and physically. It makes me upset about my social life and unproductive in my day-to-day tasks. I cannot get out of bed as easily as I used to, and none of my old interests excite me anymore. On top of that, when I pick up my phone, I cannot even think of one person to talk to, which makes me feel even more depressed. These feelings lead nowhere, and I have decided that this cycle of self-pity has to stop. There is a saying: “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” To resolve my recent moodiness, I have decided to examine its causes.

   The first and biggest cause that came to mind is that I moved out of my four-person dorm. I now live alone in a room several blocks away from school, and living alone can be really isolating. When I lived in the dorm, I always had someone to talk to. Whenever I felt like getting ice cream, even if it was the middle of the night, my roommate would always go with me. In class, I had a friend in my department, and after school, I had my roommates and some friends I met through the Tainan club. I was never really alone. But now, I cannot just ask my friends to go out with me at night since we all live in different places. Some of them, I do not even know where they live. It is not as easy to meet up as it was in my first year.

   The second reason is that my social circle has changed. Something happened within my old friend group, and ever since then, it has kind of fallen apart. Some of them started meeting new people and stopped hanging out with the rest of us. I know I have no right to be mad at them for making new friends, but it still made me sad. At the beginning of the semester, I could hardly even call them my best friends in college anymore. Only the girls in the group maintained the same close friendship. We often mourn the good old days together, which is both miserable and funny at the same time. Apart from that, I also stopped participating in the club activities I used to enjoy or any other social events, so making new friends has been nearly impossible. But I know that is my own doing, so I finally let my friend convince me to join a summer camp as a staff member. Hopefully, things will work out for me.

   The last reason I have been struggling to connect with others is my heavy coursework. My friends and I have all become busier and more exhausted since becoming sophomores. For example, one of my friends started minoring in business, so we have fewer classes together since she had to give up some of our department’s courses to focus on her minor. On top of that, most of my friends, both men and women, are now in relationships, except for me. On the school anniversary, I ended up going home because I had no one to watch the fireworks with. When my parents asked why I did not stay instead of just watching videos my friends sent me, I could not bring myself to tell them the real reason. I just felt too dejected.

   I know this whole piece makes me sound like a whiny baby, but the truth is, these thoughts only arise when I am at my lowest. Instead of staying confused and upset all the time, figuring out the reasons behind my current mental state helps me process my emotions. The problem was never really about my surroundings. It was about me. At the end of the day, I think what I really need to learn is how to be alone.